Messy Mademoiselle

Everyone says it is healing, spending time outdoors. She swore that it was exhausting and dirty and no fun at all. She wouldn’t be caught dead hiking, in fact that was one of her core values she would make a point to express early on in any relationship. (Too many past partners made her stroll along “romantically” on a steep hill only to look out at a view of more steep and dusty hills only to be followed by struggling down the steep hill. Pointless she thought.)

Well what brought her now to this excursion was a last ditch effort to mend her heart and reconnect with her soul. Her usual dopamine hits weren’t doing enough.

Whenever she received a major rejection, experienced a break up, became financially unstable or experienced something even slightly traumatic she had a method to balance her emotions and bring herself out of the fog and back into happiness. This involved taking the time to cook meals at home of her favorite recipes and new ones. Picking out new books and spending less time on her phone. Getting creative with her style, clothes, hair and makeup and being attentive to self-care.

Finally the key to finding her happiness again was spending time alone. She would be alone in private and in public at restaurants, bars, coffee shops, stores, libraries in total silence or accompanied by her music. Friends and family had their part in helping her through difficult times especially as a reminder that even if her life feels hollow it is in fact full of life and love. However, the larger part of her process was this being alone with herself, the only person that could completely understand her.

So when this method wasn’t creating the lasting effect of healing that it always had before, she begrudgingly thought it was time to go outside and see what nature had to offer her. This isn’t to say that she didn’t respect nature. She was aware of its wisdom and beauty and was rightfully intimidated by its power. She simply felt there was a disconnect between her and nature – like a family relationship that wasn’t nurtured early on and now when you see them every so often on a major holiday you would share an awkward greeting and only ever ask surface level questions.

She went to the beach and sat with the ocean. She went to the park and rested with a tree. Speaking to the wind, she introduced herself. Walking under the sun and the clouds she accepted their companionship.

During this time, her mind’s pace seemed to slow down. Her awareness grew of her heartbeat. Nothing appeared to be resolved but it began to matter less anyway, out there. She became more comfortable in the outdoor space but couldn’t quite place her finger on why if felt so.

Mulling over nothing in particular over drinks with the moon one night, she realized she had overlooked a defining characteristic of nature. She remembered a time when all of the loneliness of the world sat atop her chest. Lost in a dank fog in her mind with an endless reel of her harshest thoughts, she agonized for help. But there was no one for a thousand miles that she knew or trusted. On the floor of her apartment she searched for her breath in the palms of her hands that were becoming numb.

The rain that night was intense. It poured heavily into the alley outside her window and its echo resounded, doubling its volume. As if corresponding with her own emotion the storm grew in intensity. A crescendo was reached when a thunderbolt sounded in the sky directly above her. The explosive sound and simultaneous light surprised her. She froze. Her mind went blank.

The world could have been ending in that very moment she had thought, never having witnessed such great power in a storm. Her focus shifted as she waited in anticipation for the next boom of thunder and glow of lightning. Her mind became clear and her breathing resumed calmly as she became present with the storm outside her window. There was a natural affinity she had shared with that storm. It returned the warmth to her hands with all the feeling of someone holding onto them reassuringly.

Reminded by nature’s generosity, she now realized that nature is perhaps a haven of empathy. The thoughts and worries that pervade your mind are eased when there is someone to understand exactly what that feels like. Spending time with nature won’t solve your problems but is akin to sitting in silence with the one person who completely understands you without you having to say anything at all.